A Time for … Football Funnies

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The 2017 College Football national champion will be determined at Mercedes-Benz Stadium in Atlanta on January 8, 2018. That game will be played by the winners of the New Year’s Day’s Rose Bowl and Sugar Bowl, Georgia and Alabama, who will compete for the championship.

In anticipation of the final game of the 2017 college football season (interestingly played in 2018), I thought you would enjoy the following quotes and observations about this national sport. I hope you’re not offended by anything said about your alma mater. Here we go:

“I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I want him to quit in practice, not in a game.” – Bear Bryant / Alabama

“A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall.” – Frank Leahy / Notre Dame

“I don’t expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation.” – Bob Devaney / Nebraska

“I never graduated from Iowa. But I was only there for two terms – Truman’s and Eisenhower’s.” – Alex Karras / Iowa

“My advice to defensive players is to take the shortest route to the ball, and arrive in a bad humor.” – Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee

“I could have been a Rhodes Scholar, except for my grades.” – Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

“Always remember Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David.” – Shug Jordan / Auburn

“I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn’t recruit me.” He said, “Well, Walt, we took a look at you, and you weren’t any good.” – Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State

“If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education.” – Murray Warmath / Minnesota

“The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb. To be a back, you only have to be dumb.” – Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

“We didn’t tackle well today, but we made up for it by not blocking.” – John McKay / USC

“I’ve found that prayers work best when you have big players.” – Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

On one of his players: “He doesn’t know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn’t know the meaning of a lot of words.” – Urban Meyer / Ohio State

Q: Why do Tennessee fans wear orange? A: So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.

Q: What does the average Alabama player get on his SAT? A: Drool.

Q: How many Michigan State freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. That’s a sophomore course.

Q: What do you say to a Florida State University football player dressed in a three-piece suit? A: “Will the defendant please rise.”

Q: If three Rutgers football players are in the same car, who is driving? A: The police officer.

Q: How can you tell if a Clemson football player has a girlfriend? A: There’s tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.

Q: How is the Kansas football team like an opossum? A: They play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Q: Why did the Tennessee linebacker steal a police car? A: He saw “911” on the side and thought it was a Porsche.

Q: How do you get a former Illinois football player off your porch? A: Pay him for the pizza.

Thank you for indulging this effort at a bit of light-heartedness. The writer of Ecclesiastes said, “There is a time for every occasion under heaven … a time to weep and a time to laugh…” (Eccl. 3:1, 4) And today I add that there is a time for football funnies!

Seriously, I pray that your New Year will include appropriate times of laughter to accompany the other occasions mentioned in Ecclesiastes that may well occur as we enter this New Year of our Lord 2018.

A Blessed New Year to each of you!

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Pithy Sayings

LaughterFrom time to time I run out of fresh ideas on topics of practical or theological or political interest, so I decide simply to share stuff that some find humorous. That’s what I have for you this week. Some of you may even be old enough to recognize the source of a few of these sayings.

  • The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending and to have the two as close together as possible. George Burns
  • Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. Victor Borge
  • Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. Mark Twain
  • By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. Socrates
  • I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. Groucho Marx
  • I have never hated a man enough to give back his diamonds. Zsa Zsa Gabor
  • Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. Alex Levine
  • My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. Rodney Dangerfield
  • Money can’t buy you happiness. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. Spike Milligan
  • I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap. Bob Hope
  • We could certainly slow the aging process if it had to work its way through Congress. Will Rogers
  • Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. Winston Churchill
  • Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. Phyllis Diller
  • By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere. Billy Crystal
  • The cardiologist’s diet: If it tastes good spit it out.
  • May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, and may nothing but happiness come through your door!

God bless your day!